I'm a "C"

Its late and I can't sleep. I'm thinking about the day, the weeks, the months, the year... my faith, others who have faith, those who don't, my weaknesses, what it means to love god and my neighbor and then I get the root of my thoughts...

What does it mean to be a Christian? What does it really look like?

....
....

There are so many influences in this world and so many "Christians" that don't even love their neighbor... I'll be the first to admit its hard, I'm weak, my pride gets in the way, I judge those who I think judge and judge even when they don't, I don't like to give love when I don't feel like its being reciprocated, I can become materialistic and love the world at times more than things of eternity, I put my own agenda before God... Of course I'm thankful for this grace in knowing that I am saved and in knowing that I do not have to earn this grace...

BUT on the flip side... where my heart is there my treasure is as well right? And not being able to be perfect isn't a legit excuse not to try and persevere to be faithfully following in the footsteps of Christ in always serving, always loving, always giving, always placing the other before myself right?

To be in the world, but not of the world... really needing to be set apart, we cannot live like the world lives, love like the world loves, serve the way the world serves... We need to step up and really allow for Christ to set us apart.

Man... I feel... I'm not sure yet... but I have this urgency and am reminded that we really need to live differently. As God is transforming our lives, may we be witnesses, examples that rise above and beyond the examples of the world... that WE ARE BELIEVERS! That we love, serve, and live lives differently because of who God is and who He has created us to be- may it illuminate in our whole being.

Gut Instinct

You know when you have a feeling about something and you don't want it to be true, but then you find out that it is, and you don't really know how to react at that moment, but you try your best to be positive, affirming, and encouraging.

Well yeah... today I encountered one of those moments. LOL! I know some of you guys have asked me why I'm being so cryptic with some of my posts and its cus I'm a lady and I blog, but will NOT reveal the inner most parts of my heart to just anyone... bahahahaha~. BUT I still wanted to vent.

*Sigh... LOL! One of those days yahnoo what I mean?!?!? ;p

Gut Instincts... sometimes they are wrong... not gonna lie... like I'll confront people and be totally OFF, but then sometimes... man they are so ON! I wonder how we have this 6th sense at times...

Anywho... that's all. Done with my random rambling and being all cryptic on yah... bahahhahaa... TOTALLY looking forward to going to Chicago this weekend and spending time with old friends. Perfect timing... (=

#ilovetraveling BUT eeepppp~ on the airplane ride alone O_o #genuinefear

The Vow

It's seriously similar to the story of us and Jesus and how we forget him and he fights for us to know him RIGHT?!?! We had a discussion about this movie in my bible study group ;p.

So many new relationships, engagements, weddings, and VDAY is around the corner. WOW~ I love LOVE. Bahahahahaha~

I can't wait to watch this movie... woot woot~ U watch too! ;p

Box of tissues, I think imma actually spend $ and get some popcorn ;p, and friends/bible study group most likely. YIPPEE? SAD? lol~~ hmm... company is good... but this is a date movie... LOL!

=====> click it, u know u want too ;p THE VOW TRAILER

#basedonatruestory <3

Recruit the way...

THE MARINES DO IT

"My son Jim joined the Marines when he was a young man. I was proud of him, but I also noticed the Marines didn't sweeten their sales pitch for Jim or anybody else. Hard work, long hours, tough duty, extreme situations, and more were what they offered. All of this to find "a few good men" who wanted to be part of a great team. 

      Of course, this is a very sound screening device for attracting the right kind of person--the individual eager to pay the necessary price to become a member of that kind of organization.

      Those who applied for membership, who wanted to be part of the team, were not looking for the easy way. There knew it would be tough going and accepted it, even welcomed it.

     Unintentionally, I had been doing something similar in my own recruiting. No sweet talk or big promises. Playing time, trophies, or title were never, ever mentioned. The one big promise I made to candidates was that if they came to UCLA and paid attention, they'd get a very good education. 

     Over the years I think my approach screened out many individuals who may have been ill-suited for my system. This saved everybody a lot of time. In its own way, my approach had some resemblance to that of the Marine Corps." - J. Wooden

I read this today and of course thought of you David. I only hear of bits and pieces of what it is to live as a Marine and to serve our country and I can only imagine (and would only like too, cus I wouldn't make it as a Marine =), all the sacrifice, dedication, and hard work you and your fellow Marines put into fighting for our rights and freedom. 

Thank You David Lee for fighting for us and I'm really proud of who God has made you to be and the man he is shaping you to become. He is our sovereign God. We aren't perfect, but its awesome to see you strive and try daily to live for our Father as his child first and as one of the few and the proud.

사랑한다... 제니누나.    화이팅!!! (=

The Good Samaritan

Today in Seattle we had about 7-14 inches of snow in various parts of the western part of Washington state. I woke up and looked outside to see my yard that was covered in my favorite color as snow continued to trickle down and the sun began to shine a bit around 7 this morning. I jumped out of bed to grab a bite of a cookie ;P, and began to think of how COLD it was outside and how the homeless people in Seattle are dealing with this weather.

I had the urge to text or email people that I knew in the church, but stopped feeling a bit foolish for some reason. So, I made my morning breakfast that I'm currently in love with... cereal, bananas, and TOASTED COCONUTS. I LOVE coconuts right now, so I eat it daily and with whatever tastes good with it ;P. Turned on the news and munched on my delish breakfast to hear that shelters in Seattle where opening up places for the homeless to stay warm and some have even refused to leave their locations, but the option was open for them. Phewww I thought, but in the back of my mind I still worried about those that I have talked too, especially one lady and her boyfriend that I've gotten to know over the past month. O_o

Then I decided to jump in my car for a ride and adventure (thats another story) and see what my new AWD car can do in this snow. I was driving and I passed a man who was wanting a ride. He was stumbling and my heart sank yet again. Should I stop? Should I go? I'm scared cus hes a man and I don't know him. Dude, if only I was a guy? If only I had a guy in my car with me. Thoughts began to rush through my mind as I passed the poor guy.

Then the Parable of the Good Samaritan came to mind:

On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?” He answered, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”  “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live. But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”  In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side.  But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him.  He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’ “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers? ”The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.” -Luke 10:25-37

Love God and love your neighbor is first commandment and the guy I passed was my neighbor. These days, after taking part in the the homeless outreach and watching the news I feel week and paralyzed at times as to how much God can use my life to really help these people who are in such need. I mean of course prayer and loving on them when I see them. But the necessities of daily life, I feel so weak. I decided to take the month of Jan. off of in doing this ministry because I feel so overwhelmed emotionally with the ministry and just my transition and personal "issues", but yeah... seeing this man today walking, needing, asking, and just driving by... I didn't know what else to do... One of the few times that I wished I was a DUDE. There is so much NEED OUT THERE! and many are dying daily who do NOT know Christ. It's like my heart is torn and divided at times. 

But yes, so after my "adventure" I arrived back to a home w/o POWER! A tree had fallen on the wires and caused a power outage, so no power and water. It only lasted about 1.5 hours, but I HATED it. I really dislike being cold more than being hungry, and yeah... How do the homeless out there survive in such harsh conditions being cold and hungry... man... God... what can we/I do as believers in a world with so much need... 

#HOWCANWELOVEOURNEIGHBOR

Stranger

I've always found it interesting and sad when I know someone well and then for whatever reason they are a complete stranger and I don't know anything about them. I mean sometimes I understand why people "can't" talk, but nevertheless it's still really sad to me.

Lately, I've been getting to know so many people and honestly, its nice, but I really miss friends that I already know. People that know me well where I don't have to go through the "lets get to know each other" stage, where I can trust them and vice versa and we already know each others quirks and whatnot. People may "perceive" me as out going... but when you really get to know me, you'll know that I enjoy quality over quantity for most things in life. This including "friends" =). And I don't open up very easily. So when I DO, I really really REALLY dislike broken relationships. Poopers! O_o Why can't we just all live in harmony... bahahaha~ jkjk, but yeah.

I'm thankful for the friends I know and keep in contact with. And wishing the best for those I don't talk to anymore and missing everyone in general.

#sometimesimemo (=

Happy 53rd Daddy! (=

My daddy is ONLY 53 yo. WOW~ He's so young, I've known him for 28 years (going on 29 soon)... Like Whoaa~

So I put 5 red candles and 3 blue ones on his birthday "cake"... and this is his response.

Daddy: Jennifer, how many candles are there?
Me: Duh... 53 daddy.
Daddy: No, really how many?
Me: Fine... 8, but let's be creative... lol~ just go with it... 53 will burn the house down.
Daddy: Oh, so you didn't put 8 on there on purpose?
Me: I did... cus you're 53, and I explained... blah blah, not thinking much of it.
Daddy: Oh... (pause)... i see.
Me: WHY?
Daddy: It was 8 years ago that my mom died on my birthday.  I thought that's why you put 8 on there. Did u remember?
Me: Dangit... I remember that grandma passed away on your birthday, but I didn't realize it had already been 8 years. O_o

As I look back... I'm like... oh yes yes... 8 years ago was the last birthday I spent with my father, cus I had always been away on his actually birthday after that. And I remember that day because I saw my father have tears in his eyes as he shared the news to me.

Two lessons I was reminded of today:
1. My dad is such an internal thinker, and he's not very emotional, but he does have thoughts that I am so unaware of at times. Sad ones too... I have never seen my daddy cry... so I forget sometimes that he has sorrow, hurts, and thoughts that he isn't always expressing.
2. Time flies by (I can't believe it's been 8 years since my grandma passed, and since I last spent my father's birthday with him)... I know time flies... but every time an event occurs, I am reminded again and again (like daily) that time goes quickly~

#makeeachdaycount
#lovethosearoundyou

Happy Birthday Daddy! I love you Lots! <3

CACOPHONY

The cacophony of music, media, and voices of people are so DISTRACTING sometimes, that it's hard for me to hear the voice of God in my life. Daily I am reminded to seek after the Lord and his still small voice that can so easily be drowned out if I allow it too.

#dailywechose

i miss isaiah AND ~

One of the cutest kids I KNOW! It's not just because I've seen him when he was first born with a huge head and arms and legs w/o elbows or knees showing. Or even because we traveled from MI to TX together. He is just a cutie because he has a cute face, but also because he has a gentle heart, a slur when he talks, and I just love hugging him!

 Who couldn't love this cheesy smile and only he can get away with it! (=

 And look at his drool! He seriously had to wear like 5-10  different bibs a day cus they would get soaked... bahahahaha~

Ehehehehe~ I love this little guy and I've been missing him mucho lately! But yes yes... along with missing him, I've been thinking about his parents. My old pastor and pastors wife and how blessed I was to have them in my life while living in Austin. I really miss having the spiritual parents who not only looked out for the welfare of me as a person, but for my spiritual health as well.

Don't get me wrong... I LOVE MY FAMILY. And my parents are great. But their view of Christianity and the way it's lived out is SOOOO different from my perspective in life and they definitely don't ask about my spiritual well being.

So~ I'm reminded of two things:
1. I really need to keep showing the love of Christ to my father, so hopefully, maybe one day he will become saved. He's a great man with a big heart and good morals... just not Christ. O_o
2. Meeting a man whos life is centered on Christ is so important, so that my future family and children will be blessed with parents who live and love the Lord with all their hearts, soul, mind, and strength. Or strive to at least... cus I'll be the first to admit, I'm definitely not the greatest at it. But I try (=.

#thankgoodnessforgrace

Showers and Gummies.

Did u know that I love being in the water? Therefore, I love taking showers, swimming, being near bodies of water...

Growing up in Cali with a swimming pool, ice cream, and late night Korean BBQs after swimming are some of the fondest as well as the majority of my memories during my childhood years from 6 months to about 7 yo (=.

So yes... I LOVE the water.

So on that note, one quirky thing that I bet no one knows about that I LOVE doing is showering for a long time with a mouth full of gummies. Bahahahaha~ and it can't be any type of sweet item, it has to be a type of gummy.

Lately, so much is on my mind and I feel like I'm taking life too seriously, so I wanted to blog about something random cus I did it today. Christmas colored Swedish fish = P.

#lifeslittlejoys

EVERY DAY.

This morning I planned to wake up to work out... but ahahaha~ that hasn't been going so well these days, cus I guess I'm just not motivated. =P And after eating 2 slices of pizza, an orange, and a kit-kat bar... muahahaha... I decided to call the tire company to see what was going on with my flat tire needing to be ordered.

Unfortunately, the tire has been discontinued, so I'll need to order 4 new tires when only one is flat (LOL... seriously cars are my enemy this year!) BUT on the flip side, because the others are only 1 year old, Goodyear has decided to give me $100 credit to the other three tires and 80% credit towards the new flat. Matthew (the guy I met yesterday to discuss my options) was super nice in searching for me and getting a shipment in today, so that I can be on my way out of the place by tonight with 4 new tires because I will only get credit if its a Goodyear tire and they don't have any in stock at their place right now. Seriously... people can be so helpful... and I think I run into a good number of people who really care. =)

But yeah... then I started to read and catch up on news letters, emails from people, etc...  and was getting super excited reading about all the amazing ways in which the sisters I know are sharing the love of Christ around the world AND then I got onto FB and saw a post from an old friend sharing about a guy my age who took his life on Christmas day. This Korean guy that I knew in church many years ago (not too well, but I still knew him), he took his own life. Why? How? WAE?

TEARSSSSSSS~ TEARRSSS~ TEAARRRSSS~ the reality of sadness, depression, loss of hope...

"People can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air... but only for one second without hope."

People dying around me due to unforeseen circumstances, people getting sick from different illnesses has become real to me in the past years, but now the reality of people I know taking their own lives, having depression, feeling hopeless is becoming even more real. :(

This morning, I think I went through at least 8 different emotions... wow~ and all of these things bring me back to LIFE.

How precious life is, how we have only ONE, and we only need one when we find and really live out our purpose for the glory of God. But what does that purpose look like for me/us individually?

...

External Processor

Okay, so today was Christmas and it was a good day. I had to depend on my new bible study group and be vulnerable and dependent on getting a ride in the morning (and boy was it hard... LOL... cus although I click with them and will be there for them... it takes more time and trust for me to be OPEN and let myself depend on others with the chance of being hurt and/or disappointed in them).

So yes... after that, I got to Seattle to pass out food/gifts/clothing, but ended up helping a dentist do exams. I only gave him the mirror, passed out the goodies (toothpaste, toothbrush, mouth rinse), but it felt SO good to interact with the dentist/patients and talk about dental stuff again. LOL~ I love my profession and I can't wait to get back into work.

Lastly, in the midst of interacting with the homeless (seeing joyful people, grumpy people, some who were drunk, people who were hurting), I began to think. To think about the need in the world, think about the news and the bombings in Africa and how people died on Christmas day, about how important family/good friends are who will REALLY be there for you not just with words, but actions to back them up, to think about being loved and how that looks, God and his ways, purpose in life, other "situations" that I'm learning and thinking through, people and their behavior...

And then... I just wanted to talk. LOL~ I was sitting at home, trying to process it and I just wanted to talk it out with a close friend. Someone I trust who will be there for me and genuinely care to listen. And after I did, I felt better. The situation didn't change, the problems/thoughts still exist, but just talking about them out loud made it better.

I know there are different seasons for different things and right now and maybe always, I'll be an external processor... ( =.

Thanks Friend! You're Great! Seriously!

christmas, new years, and what's to come.

Man... it's only 5 days til Christmas and I haven't even gone shopping yet. I'm not sure if it's cus I don't have a job #nomoneytospend, or I'm just not in the Holiday spirit. Beats me... but yes yes... I decided to blog this evening because I've been chatting with a few people to plan events and sending out emails, getting things organized, thinking about the week, reading different articles, and then I pause and think about how I'm at home lounging around and this is such a different season in my life. I canNOT remember doing this in the past 7.5 years of ALWAYS being on the go. Always having a jam packed schedule from early in the morning til late at night and feeling so exhausted.

It's such a different season in my life... and I'm loving it. But working would be nice too...

Anywho... as I'm reflecting upon next year 2012 (cus its only 11 days away), there are so many amazing events coming up:
1. Jan is the month for our churches first retreat for the members (I'm becoming more involved and I'm so thankful that God has brought me to this church).
2. Feb has my dearest Ruthy's bridal shower/bachelorette party... w00t w00t!
3. April 1st is her big wedding day! Yaya!
4. I hope to fly out to Austin in May for their graduation.
5. I'll finally have a car again.  

And amazing things that may come up:
1. Flying out to NY for a visit once and for all!
2. Getting a position as a hygienist
3. OoooooOOoOoo~ and maybe I'll be dating? muahahahaha~

But yes, life is good and I'm really thankful for this season that I am in and excited to see all that God has in store for 2012... I have a feeling it's going to be an interesting one.

#yayaforrandomblogging.

...to be

I'm not what I ought to be;

Not what I want to be;

Not what I am going to be;

But I'm thankful I am not what I used to be.

As a perfectionist this quote really stood out to me because more than the end goal of always doing or being the right person... it's about the process of changing, growing, transforming, TRYING to be that person that I believe God has created me to be. And each day is a process...

This quote is by John Wooden, a famous basketball player and coach. I started reading this book because while watching the MI/OH football game this past Saturday (where we WON... woot woot~ GO BLUE! = )... my friend told me about how he shook Mr. Wooden's hand and how it was one of the best experiences of his life! I laughed at him, but then he told me a little about Mr. Wooden's life and of course he chose to tell me about the romantic side of this coach.

Mr. Wooden passed away in 2010 and his wife passed 12 years earlier. Mr. Wooden hand wrote a letter to his wife EVERY DAY for the 12 years that his wife had been gone. WOW! YEP! I was hooked to read and hear more about this guy after that story... LOL! That is dedication, commitment, true LOVE! Dannngggg yo... he didn't just want to be with a woman... he wanted to be with HIS woman!! WOW... my heart is a melting... bahahahaha~

As I read this book I see that he strives to demonstrate the kind of character, leadership, and commitment not just to his wife, but to the people around him and how this was passed down from his own father.

So yes... I'm reading one of his books on the lessons of leadership and leaders and its been quite good, and this is one of the quotes that stood out to me.

But I'm thankful I am not what I used to be.

WORD!

Growing ↑

I would say that I've never disliked getting older. Every stage of life has something exciting and new to experience and getting older has sooooOOOo many perks. It's also inevitable, so what can u do but enjoy right? Or maybe I say this now cus I haven't hit 60? :p

I dunno~

But yes, with the recent events that have occurred, I've realized three things:

1. I've been experiencing a lot of 1st timers lately and been reminded more and more that life still has so many more first time experiences that are to come. Of course I know some like getting married, having kiddos, aging in general... ahahaha, but many more that I cannot necessarily expect or try and plan out. 

2. I've always been a feeler. I go by what I feel, what my heart tells me is RIghT? : p but lately as I have been trying to make some decisions, I haven't been able to make them just on my feelings... O_ o Otherwise my life would currently look a little different. I have to think about them, how it may possibly play out, the repercussions of my actions, what I believe God is wanting me to do, how other people may feel, etc. And man oh man... with some of these choices... It's been and still is a BATTLE... battle within... You have NO IDEA... gerrrrrrr~

3. For the first time... I'm like... man... I liked being that kid that didn't have to think so much... ahahaha... the jenny that just went with her heart... *sigh.
*on a side note... lol... because I'm late  bloomer with some things... I think I used to live like this until more recently... ahahahahahahahahhahaaaaaaaaaa~

Just my recent thoughts.

Something MORE.

Below are three quotes that I took from another page.

Have you ever felt that there must be something more to life? Have you sensed an emptiness within your soul? The truth is that money, possessions, prestige, power and people cannot fulfill that deeper hunger we all have.

C.S. Lewis wrote, “Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing.”

Two weeks ago, the pastor preached on the human soul and our desires. He gave scenarios about people trying to find security/satisfaction/love/acceptance in their looks, success, wealth, power, people, and how in the end we are never fully satisfied. Of course momentarily, temporary satisfaction will be there... but thats the issue... it doesn't last, but we have this longing and desire for it too.

Blaise Pascal, the French philosopher and mathematician, wrote, “Within each human being there is a God-shaped void.”

Hmm...

The 4 C's

Christian, Character, Conflict-resolution, Chemistry.

I may as well add to the C's and say that my transition to WA has been CRAZY! lol.
Yes I'm corny = D.

But yes, as I have been transitioning into this new location, I've been thinking and praying about so many different things in my life. And at this point because its only been about one month since I arrived back from my last trip to Cali, things are slowly settling down, but nothing is concrete.

I haven't found a job, still no car, still no community, no apt up north, car accident situation is still messy, my neck is still healing, no man (lol, have to say this cus of all the pressure around me : ), still searching for my future direction. But for sure slowly, doors are beginning to open in all of these areas and I'm thankful for this season in my life.

I say I'm thankful because I am most of the time, but of course transitions in general take time (I have a good friend to remind me of this when I get anxious and impatient).

So~ the 4C's. I'm at the age where my moms friends/relatives ask why I'm not dating, how people tell me that I NEED to get married, where conversations in general lead to dating questions. And I'm also realizing as a single, female, that I'm not in high school where I can be buddy, buddy with a guy, but that sometimes, there's MORE.

It's an interesting stage of life for me and yeah... I'm wrestling with the 4 C's. When I talk to some Christians they are open to dating people who are open to the faith, but who aren't in a relationship with God YET and others who are not open at all; does the person have good character, are they trustworthy, do they say what they mean, are they mature enough to handle a relationship where it isn't always butterflies; can the two communicate well especially during conflicts because people communicate differently; and then of course do the two have good chemistry.

Chemistry... i actually tried reading articles about this because it fascinates me... what makes two people have chemistry? is it their pheromones? is it their humor? is it their values? looks? Some people naturally have good chemistry... but why? : D

I still believe more than anything else, that relationships are amazing, but that in the end commitment is true love and it's what keeps a relationship going. Commitment to love the other person, serve them, cherish them, be selfless, work through the tough times... cus they will come = ).

I heard this quote the other week: I'm not saying it'll be perfect... I'm saying you're the person I want to spend the rest of my life WITH! AWESOME no?!? ( =

<3

Sovereignty.

7.5 years ago, I was getting ready to move to Ann Arbor, MI for school and I wanted with all my heart to find a church community where I could grow in my walk with the Lord and find solid sisters and brothers in my life who shared the same vision and mission.

My insurance company lady mentioned a guy who went to MI for school and my mom happened to be an acquaintance of his mom. Through this connection God provided exactly what I was praying for.

Fast forwarding to today, I move back to the place in which I left before MI. Having the same desire to connect with a community that loves God with all their hearts, a family in which we can share the love of Christ with each other as well as others around us, and continue growing in my walk with God.

Again... God is providing.

I went to visit a church today and also stayed after to hear about their vision and mission in their membership class. It's crazy cus I've been searching and being proactive in trying to find a place and BAM, w/o my own effort He connects me with an old member of the church back in MI who now lives in Seattle.

And although I didn't sign the membership cus I want to check out their bible study group and also take time to pray before committing. I am once again blown away and reminded that yes, God is good, He is sovereign of every and all situations and He is the author of my life.

Thanks God!

Fearless

Why are you fearful, O you of little faith? 

- Matthew 8:26

Chapter 3 starts off describing a boy and his outgoing, do it all personality; followed by a downward spiral of addiction to alcohol for 4 decades; to the last two years of his life where he found some inner resolve to mend his life, family, and marriage.

Awaking at 4 a.m. with chest pains, he was quickly rushed to the hospital on an ambulance and his family planned to meet him there.

But he wasn't able to make it to the hospital... 

He was gone.

But in the midst of taking his last breathes, he found inner strength to relay one final message...

"His hand was resting on the top of his thigh with the two center fingers folded in and the thumb extended, the universal sign-language symbol for "I love you."'

I read this a few days ago, in a book I'm reading by Max Lucado about life. After coming across this part of the book I could relate to the author in how he described himself trying to imagine what his brother must have felt in those last moments of his life. 

"I've tried to envision the final moments of my brother's earthly life: racing down a Texas highway in an ambulance through an inky night, paramedics buzzing around him, his heart weakening within him. Struggling for each breath, at some point he realized only a few remained. But rather than panic, he quarried some courage.

Perhaps you could use some. An ambulance isn't the only ride that demands valor. You may be not be down to your final heartbeat, but you may be down to your last paycheck, solution, or thimble of faith. Each sunrise seems to bring fresh reasons for fear."

Max Lucado then goes on to write about fear and the different, but many situations in which fear takes hold and occupies the heart. How it is oversized, rude, and unwilling to share the heart with happiness. And how it makes so much noise and takes up so much room, but it does little good. How fear corrodes our confidence in God's goodness.

Then he goes on to talk about FAITH, COURAGE and how life would be if our default reaction to threats were FAITH! And how it is possible to have faith when we place our trust, hope, and dependence on Christ. Look at Jesus' track record! When fear takes over faith it creates a spiritual amnesia, dulls our memory, and causes us to forget what Jesus has done and how good God is. 

Don't let fear shape our lives and have safety become our God. "The worship of safety emasculates greatness."

Promises of God and truths to live by:

So don't be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows. - Matthew 10:31 NCV

Take courage, son; your sins are forgiven. - Matthew 9:2 NASB

I tell you not to worry about everyday life-- whether you have enough. - Matthew 6:25 NLT

Take courage. I am here! - Matthew 14:27 NLT

Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. - Matthew 10:28

Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. - Luke 12:32

Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me... I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. - John 14:1, 3 NLT

Don't be troubled or afraid. - John 14:27

"Why are you frightened?" he asked. "Why are your hearts filled with doubt?' - Luke 24:38

Jesus came and touched them and said, "Arise, and do not be afraid" - Matthew 17:7

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Jesus doesn't want us to live in a state of fear and neither do we! "Fear may fill our world, but it doesn't have to fill our hearts. It will always knock on our door. Just don't invite it in for dinner, and for heaven's sake don't offer it a bed for the night. Let's embolden our hearts with a select number of Jesus' "do not fear" statements. The promise of Christ and the contention of this book are simple:

We can fear less tomorrow than we do today."

I'm still sore from my accident and I don't know the long terms affects, I need to find a lawyer from Texas for my case, and because of this situation that is still pending on many levels, I feel like all other things are on pause. Moving into my home, getting my license to find a job, getting a car, community, etc...

But I'm realizing more and more that life does throw some curve balls. It stinks at the time and I call sulk and cry for a bit cus its okay. But I can't let it take the center of my heart and allow fear to take root, because God is in control of all things for he is sovereign so I need to have FAITH!

So thank you God for my family. Thank you for my moms car that she sometimes shares... LOL! Thank you for my health. Thank you that you are providing open doors and windows to slowly get my "situations" under control. Thank you for the amazing friends you have provided in the past for me to meet and currently know. 

And most importantly Thank You for your promises about being fearless that are true yesterday, today, and forever!

daddy's little girl ( :

Christmas time... i loved presents : P

of course we knew how to eat!! : D

he could always carry both of us... DUH he was the strongest man in the world ( :

My daddy has been working out in our yard ever since we moved to this new location about 4 years ago. And when I say yard I mean 5 acres of land in the middle of nowhere where we have HUGE pine trees, etc. His goal is to clear out these HUGE trees so that eventually my parents can move out of their tiny little place and into their settlement home that they will eventually design and build.

So anyways, when I would come home for break I would always go out for one of those days to help my dad (and I couldnt do much other than gather little things, etc.), but I would spend time with him each visit and make it a point to help him with what I could do.
Since, I am now living with my parents I am able to go out more often.

Yesterday, I came home early, grabbed a bite to eat and went out to help him clear some land. In those moments my dad and I always share things here and there and its our father, daughter time where I connect and just get to know my daddy. For some reason yesterday as I saw my father working I was reminded of how blessed I am to have such a loving father. And I began reflecting back on my childhood days when I thought the world of him.

He was my hero and nothing could stop him. He was the smartest, strongest, hard working, loving guy in the world. 

Smartest because: I asked why for everything and in my mind he always had the right answer!

Strongest because: He could lift me up with one arm (and I asked for this quite frequently to be amazed by his strength : ). I remember my father being away every now and again for work. In first grade he was away for at least a year for the dessert storm and I remember the difference in the atmosphere of my home with and without my father's presence. His presence alone assured me that nothing bad could ever happen!

Hard working because: He was in the army and he trained hard! He would help out at home and he always had time to make me pancake, egg, and bacon breakfasts upon request and on weekend mornings.
.
Loving because: I always knew my father loved me, esp when he would give/buy me sweets when my mom was so strict and wouldnt. Or when he'd tell me to wear extra clothes when I was going to be spanked if I got anything lower than an A+. LOL! Just kidding! Whether we played board games, he helped me with my studies, the way he served me, his big daddy hugs, or just the way my father looked at me. I just knew my daddy would do anything for me because I KNEW he loved me based on the consistent ways he showed and affirmed this love.

So yes, yesterday I started to think back on the way I saw my father as a little girl and I began to calculate the years. I've known my father for 28 years nows. He had me when he was 23 and so I've know him for more than half of his life. We talked about time flying by, his marriage to my mom, his purpose in life, when I was a little girl, etc.

I'm still daddy's little girl. Of course I'm much older and I see ALL his flaws... ahahaha. But yesterday, I was reminded of why I love my daddy and why as a little girl I thought the world of my father. : D.

 <3